Attachment Diaries: Chapter 10

For a short while, I noticed myself looking at people I haven’t met yet with curiosity and interest. On some level, I think I’ve gotten the strange sense that I’m about to meet a new spiritual friend, and this has made me anxious to find that person. But then the possibility of it being someone with whom I could become romantically involved crossed my mind, and I began to resist.

At the moment, I’m just beginning to truly enjoy my solitude, so I’m not keen on having that tested just now. Of course, my resistance gives me the sense that it’s all the more likely to happen, for the very reason that I don’t want it to. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone, but it’s certainly been true for me in this lifetime. Maybe I unconsciously ask to be challenged, because I know it’s how I grow. Still, at the moment, my resistance is multi-faceted.
For one thing, I don’t know if I trust myself to resist whatever romantic temptation I might face. I don’t have a good track record in this area. Another wall I have up is the possibility that it will be another train wreck (like most of my relationships have been in my life). Only slightly less terrifying is the possibility that it will turn out to be wonderful. And, of course, I’m enjoying my alone time now. I actually had about ten whole minutes yesterday where I was just sitting on my couch, smiling at my apartment which I work hard to keep, my own little nook of quiet comfort in a bustling, strenuous world.
This is a strange state for me, and I’m thoroughly enjoying it. For as long as I can remember, partnership was the ultimate expression of my hopes on this plane; it was basically the only thing I ever wished for during the majority of my life. Now I feel I may be on the cusp of realizing that dream, and I’m not sure I want it anymore. It’s strangely empowering.
Well, no one has turned up yet, so I have some time left to be by myself. I plan to enjoy every surprising minute of it.

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