Attachment Diaries: Chapter 1

Missing my previous partners usually leads to me resenting that they don’t seem to miss me as much, if at all. Then some part of me wants to be spiteful and cut them from my life entirely, while other parts of me want to try to pull them closer — or keep just enough distance to ascertain whether they ever miss me at all. I don’t think any of these choices are healthy, because they all still focus externally, and involve trying to exert control! That’s antithetical to my goal. Letting go means surrendering control.

This is also why I have a tendency to focus on drama with people, because I’ve convinced myself that I get little or no attention from them unless something is awry. Granted, they also get more disdainful with me when I’m in a drama state for too long, but if I’m doing well, they basically forget I exist. At least, that’s how it feels.

So how do I beat this? The only thing I can think of is to take all the energy that tries to pull my mind toward companionship and redirect it into something else — cleaning my house, feeding myself, tweezing my eyebrows, making jewelry, writing stories… Basically anything else.

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